As an adult, an autism diagnosis can open up many questions. Not just from yourself but from others too. People may wonder why you’ve been diagnosed as autistic. They’ve seen you ‘cope’ like everyone else and might question why you’re struggling now.
When I reflect on my life, I can spot different times when I’ve struggled due to autistic traits but also thrived as well. I call it the autistic paradox. If the situation’s right, I can achieve great things. But out of my comfort zone, my mental health declines and I become overwhelmed and unable to function properly.
The following blog will discuss some of my autistic traits and how they’ve affected me throughout my life.
Autistic traits are with you for life
Being autistic isn’t something you become overnight. I didn’t suddenly ‘catch’ autism aged 40. I’ve been autistic since I was a baby. Everything I’ve ever seen or done has taken place through an autistic lens.
When I was diagnosed it was easy for me to look at my life and question the diagnosis. I’ve lived abroad and been a personal trainer – can autistic people do these things?
All this was highlighting was an outdated stereotype that autistic people are incapable of achieving things. What I had to do was look deeper into my life.
First noticing my autistic traits
I was five when I noticed I was different to the other kids. I’d sit in silence most of the time feeling anxious and overwhelmed. Creative activities were the perfect escape.
I loved drawing pictures of pirate ship battles and writing stories about shark attacks. I was obsessed with anything macabre. It might sound like a scene from The Omen, but it was my way of expressing my creativity.
I didn’t want to sit there drawing kittens and fluffy bunnies. Nor did I want to sing, play games or do anything group-related. It wasn’t until I went to primary school that I came out of my shell.
I’d started Karate and loved every minute of it. The structured activity and physical exercise did wonders for my confidence. Although I was still shy and found it hard to socialise in groups, I formed a few great friendships.
Most of the time, I’d hang out with my friends one-on-one, and I enjoyed much of my childhood outside of school.
Being seen as different
However, in school, I was seen as different because I didn’t like joining in with activities. At break time, I’d prefer to hang out with one friend instead of charging around the playground with a hundred other kids.
I was also seen as moody because I rarely smiled. A lot of autistic people struggle with facial expressions like smiling, and this can have a detrimental impact on their self-esteem the more people question them about it.
Transition to big school and autistic traits
In secondary school, I completely changed. I became aggressive and would lash out at anyone who tried to pick on me.
One trait that sticks in my mind is repetitive behaviour. This would include counting and rearranging objects repeatedly to calm my mind. I would also replay conversations and scenarios in my head, to the point I’d get headaches.
When I was thirteen, I read about different conditions and thought I had OCD. Autism does share similar traits to this condition. However, autistic people may use repetitive behaviours to calm themselves down. For those with OCD, such actions can feel like life-or-death situations.
Uncertainty after leaving school
After school, my mental health took a tumble. I took an overdose at age sixteen and spent years wondering what was ‘wrong’ with me.
I didn’t see a doctor about my mental health until I was twenty-one and I could barely get my words out. ‘You sound depressed,’ he said as he wrote me a prescription for antidepressants.
Several weeks later, I took another overdose of the tablets that were supposed to help me.
One thing that got me back on track was martial arts. And my passion for fitness became a career when I became a personal trainer.
The visits to London for the course were stressful, and the first thing I did when I got to my hotel was drink a bottle of wine to calm my nerves. Regardless, I passed the course, became a boxing trainer, and moved to Malta.
Still struggling with social situations
Alcohol played a big part in Malta too, and I struggled to have a social life. So, I joined a boxing club which is a different social experience. Like the martial arts I’d previously done – it’s structured and everyone has a common interest.
Eventually, I became isolated in Malta and came back to the UK. I felt lost and suicidal and couldn’t see any future for myself. I felt like I’d done everything I wanted to do with my life.
I persevered and studied a degree, which is one of the best things I’ve done. But when it finished, my mental health took another dip, and I felt overwhelmed with life. Every day was an emotional roller coaster of sadness and anger. I felt hopeless again.
This is when I started to reflect on my life – and spoke to a clinical psychologist. It didn’t take long for her to figure me out and she referred me for an autism assessment. And that was it – I was officially autistic.
Final thoughts
As you can see, autistic traits can affect you at different points in your life, and they’re not all bad. I’ve used my focus, creativity, and determination to achieve great things.
However, there’s always been an undercurrent of anxiety, overwhelm, and self-doubt that’s caused me to question the point of my existence. But through my interests like fitness and writing, I’ve managed to keep going and find purpose in my life.
